Here’s a piece of news that broke like the wind in every gun-grabber’s e-mail inbox yesterday morning: This past May beat all previous May records for gun sales.  It’s the third-largest month for gun sales of all time, and according to this article, courtesy of NRA-ILA, “The NICS office has already run nearly 54 percent of the checks it ran in total last year, and we haven’t reached the traditional hunting season, election-season, and holiday sales spikes.”

In May 2020 alone, the FBI completed 3,091,455 background checks. That represents a NICS check for one percent of the American population in a single month. As it turns out, to the gun-grabbers’ absolute shock, opening up the jails at the same time that you are closing the gun stores, tends to cause panic buying.  I don’t know what they thought was going to happen, homeowners setting all their prized possessions out on their lawns to make it easier on the newly released inmates, maybe, but anti-gunners were clearly confused. That’s why, today, I’m setting the record straight on a number of other issues so it won’t be such a terrible shock to the antis when the June 2020 NICS numbers smash all previous records like the Hulk on PCP.

1. When rioters are burning down city squares and invading homes, people buy guns.

I know, Creepy Uncle Joe Biden, it doesn’t make any sense to you, after all, everyone who’s anyone already has 24-hour Secret Service protection, so why would news about riots make people go out and buy guns? But I’m going to let you in on a little secret, Joey: There are 300 million Americans who don’t have round-the-clock bodyguards. Oddly, they all still have this weird idea that their lives are as important as yours. Nutty, right?

2. When the news media claims that rioters are not burning down city squares when, in fact, they are, people buy even more guns.

I know, Mike Bloomberg, it’s so weird that people are starting to suspect that the news outlets you own are not telling the truth about what’s going on in America right now. I mean, look at all those peaceful protests.  You’ve said they were peaceful, so why aren’t people believing you? (Maybe it’s because they can still smell the smoke. Maybe, you should ban cigarettes.)

But the upshot is that, strange and mysterious though it may seem, when people have to read the headlines on the one newspaper the looters didn’t set on fire, they tend to disbelieve those headlines. And, this is gonna blow your mind, Bloomie, when people start paying attention to their lying eyes instead of what you’re telling them, they tend to start making other decisions you don’t like. Like buying even more guns.

3. When you get rid of the police, people will be their own police (and they will buy lots of guns).

The City of Minneapolis just announced that they are going to be dismantling their police force soon.  What a galaxy-brain idea! In the midst of rioting, looting, vandalism and home invasions, against a backdrop of having already opened up the jails so the prisoners don’t spread COVID-19.  They’re going to turn law enforcement over to “the community.” I’ve got a little secret for you, gun-banners: When you turn law enforcement over to the community, the community is going to start doing its own law enforcement. (I know! Crazy, right?) This is what you used to call “vigilantism” three days ago, but that’s okay because we have always been at war with Eastasia.

Now, what’s really bizarre here is that when you tell a community that they will no longer have anyone to call if someone is breaking into their home, they go out and (I know, this is crazy, but bear with me here) buy guns. Lots of guns. ​Our appreciation to Freedom’s Lodge, Trace Munson and NRA-ILA for this article.

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